I'd rather not sleep than not shower. That's saying a lot from a girl who thinks Heaven involves anything with worn white sheets and a plush pillow. But when there aren't enough minutes in an hour in a day to finish your maquette and presentation, for a class that scares and thrills you in equal measure, 3 hours off just seems stupid and selfish. In the name of what? more Pride than Art, surely. To point: 15 minutes in a hot shower makes me feel clean(sed) and pretty enough to ensure brain and fingers continue their bitter bureaucratic struggle with/against each other to come up with something that doesn't make my heart pull out all its investments*.

This is my fifth all-nighter this semester, second in a frantic race to the finishing term**. I have one more to go (on Monday) and i am awaiting with bated breath to see if it'll be my sixth. I reallyreallyreallyrillyrillyrilly hope not. The problem is, conception work is not my forte, and it generally involves me staring blankly at the blank paper and/or computer screen until it's sunset and i slowly start losing my mind. I guess that's what i'm hoping to develop (the conception part, not the losing my mind part - although, frankly, that was also a given) in coming back to school, but in the wishful meantime i am struggling to produce something that makes it all remotely worth it. All these waking hours, all this financial predicament, all the personal and social sacrifice (i can't travel*** and have yet to see any of my Real Life friends in over a month). I'm not looking to change the world (when changing me is hard enough...), but as for the first time in years i love and care about the work i do, finding out i suck would be nothing short of heartbreaking. So far, the grades i have are good enough to soothe my Hardass Asian Upbringing for this unconventional choice of career, and although i do admittedly derive a silly pride in that, it's a dangerous trap to get caught in as maintaining my GPA can sneak its way ahead of enjoying and experimenting with the creativity.

Gah, i sound like an arse.

More on that later, but as my brain is on limited life-support what i mean is, even with dark times brewing past, my heart is still in it, the only thing i need to keep afloat and rowing like a doped-up monkey on speed during these crazy sleepless days/nights so i better do whatever i can to please its fickle demands (e.g. withhold sleep, or still spend 10minutes on putting on makeup when you're an hour late for your presentation****). Also, come Monday night, there will be glorious amount of alcomahol, shit talking and promises of morning-after regrets, or What Uni Is Really All About, and i. Can't. Fucking. Wait.



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* Analogie de la mort, toé!
** Can you tell with my analogies?
*** We are presented during class by works from around the world and instead of inspiring me to work harder it only makes me want to drop everything and run away (to Sweden, specifically) and shut myself from the world until it's all over. The only downfall is, i heard the alcohol is quite hard (and expensive) to come by there. Meatballs it is then.
****Yeah.